Talking to your child about donation: why, when, and with which words

Many patients who opt for egg donation or sperm donation ask me, at one time or another, the same question in a hushed voice: ‘And later on, will I have to tell them?’ There is no legal obligation, and the decision rests with the parents. But it is useful to know what we do know.

What the research shows

Teams that have been following families formed through donation since the children’s birth, notably the Centre for Family Research at the University of Cambridge, consistently observe that:

• Children who are told early on, before they start school, take the information on board without any particular difficulty; many remember it as something they have ‘always known’.
• A late disclosure, during adolescence or adulthood, is more often experienced as difficult, not because of the donation itself, but because of the feeling that a secret has been kept.
• The quality of the parent-child relationship in families formed through donation is comparable to, or even better than, that in other families.

Professional bodies, including ESHRE and the ASRM, now encourage telling the child, whilst respecting the parents’ choice.

Secrecy has become fragile

In Greece, as in Spain, donation is anonymous: the child will not be able to obtain the identity of the donor through legal channels. But legal anonymity is no longer anonymity in practice. Consumer DNA tests, sold by the millions, make it possible to trace genetic relatives. A child or adult who takes such a test out of curiosity may discover, without being prepared for it, that they have no genetic link to one of their parents.

This is now one of the most concrete arguments in favour of disclosure: it is better for the child to learn this from you, in your own words, than via an app.

Please note: some countries have lifted anonymity for donations made within their borders (the United Kingdom, Sweden, the Netherlands, and France since the 2021 bioethics law for children born from donations made in France). This does not apply to donations made in Greece.

At what age?

As early as possible, in an age-appropriate way. Many parents start in the early years, with a simple story, even before the child fully understands everything. The idea is that this information should be part of their story from the very beginning, and that it should be enriched as they grow older.

With which words?

• Early childhood: ‘Mum and Dad (or Mum) really wanted a baby. We were missing a little seed. A very kind lady (or gentleman) helped us by giving us a seed. And that’s how you came to be.’
• School age: you can explain eggs and sperm, the role of donation, the trip to Greece, and make it clear that the donor is not a parent.
• Adolescence: talk about anonymity, genetics, DNA testing, and leave room for questions — including mixed feelings.

There are children’s books on the subject in several languages; they’re a great help to parents in finding the right tone. Organisations for families formed through donation also offer support groups.

What helps

• Agree as a couple, if you are in a relationship, before the birth if possible.
• Keep the information provided by the clinic (non-identifying characteristics of the donor, blood group): it may be useful later on, including for medical purposes.
• Be consistent with those around you: if the family knows, the child shouldn’t be the last to find out.
• Don’t wait for the perfect moment: it doesn’t exist.

What if you choose not to tell?

That is your right, and I do not judge any family. I simply invite you to think it through, bearing in mind DNA testing, and to discuss it with a professional if the subject is weighing on you. Psychological support before or after the donation often helps you to find your own position.

Frequently asked questions